Dance With My Father Again

Father’s Day Reflection 2021

By Dr. MeShonya Wren-Coleman

​It was the summer of 1992 that I decided to stay home from my internship. I received a call that afternoon and on the other end of the phone was a very familiar voice. In my hesitation, I asked who was calling. He said, “This is Adrian, your Daddy.” My response was “No, this is not my Daddy because I live with my Daddy.” 

The man I considered my “Daddy” was my stepfather. He was the only father I had known since second grade. It’s not that I didn’t know that my biological father existed. It was that now I was 20 years old and had never met him face-to-face. Throughout my life, we exchanged several phone calls along with letters. Now as a senior in college, my birth father was reaching out to finally meet in person.

Not everyone has the story of growing up with their biological father in the home.  And for me, even though I longed to have my biological father, I already had a stepfather in my life who loved me very much. 

Nonetheless, it’s that sense of belonging and knowing the history of who you are that can only come from your ancestry. I needed that missing piece of the puzzle in my life. I truly wanted to know my father and any other family members who made up that part of me.

​Back to that conversation on the phone. I spoke to him out of anger and resentment. I wanted to know why he was calling after all these years. I asked him was he dying? I asked him if he needed a kidney or a blood transfusion. If so, I planned to give him neither. All I knew was that he abandoned me as if I didn’t exist. I pretended to be okay with it for years but at that moment I knew that I wasn’t.

Years of my life, I spent hearing stories about my father, from my teachers who attended college with him, from my mother, uncles, and my track coach. There was never a time when my track coach introduced me that he did not mention my biological father. My father was a track and football star, and everyone knew him from the records that he held as an athlete. So of course, my track coach ran me as if I had the same tenacity as my biological father. 

Even though I enjoyed the sport, it was never in me to break records or to participate in the Olympics. Ironically, it was my stepfather that introduced me to track in the third grade. It was a great experience that I enjoyed until I graduated from high school. That was a lot of running, laugh out loud!!!

​During the summer months, I lived in Michigan. In the summer of 1993, my father decided to drive to Michigan and meet me face-to-face. I was just released from the hospital, so I didn’t have the energy to conjure up much excitement for the visit. But once he arrived, I felt like a little girl longing for her Daddy. We had so many similarities that it was unreal. We walked alike, we talked alike, we held our cups the same, and even today have the same crooked baby finger on both hands. 

The missing piece to the puzzle of my identity had finally been made visible. Hours were spent for the next couple of days just getting to know each other. I allowed him into my world. The following Christmas, I went to visit his world in Baltimore, Maryland. My father is originally from Farrell, Pennsylvania, and met my mother in college. You can figure the rest out; I am here, aren’t I?
​My visit was nothing that I expected. I was treated like a little girl at 21 and it seemed as if he was trying to make up for lost time. He sang to me and danced with me often. Even today, it’s routine for him to sing and dance with me. My favorite is when he sings on my birthdays and on spontaneous phone calls, “I’m a big girl now, no more Daddy’s little girl” by the Stylistics. 

There have been differences between us over the years, but he’s my father and I love him. His recent visit this summer for his birthday made me realize how priceless these moments are to me. Forgiveness is important for growth. Learning to accept my father for who he is and not holding that cloud of guilt over his head healed my soul. I no longer needed yesterday with him; I need today with him.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 19.5 million children, more than 1 in 4, live without a father in the home. Wow! So, to all the Dads, Bonus Dads, Uncles, Grandfathers and Father Figures who are fulfilling the life of a young person by showing up and giving the best love that you know how to give, please know that you are appreciated.

There are so many young people missing out because they refuse to forgive or just haven’t had that opportunity to build a bond with their fathers. Maybe your father is deceased, just know that there is one Father that will never be absent in your life and all you must do is embrace His presence and love in your heart.

As I reminisce about the relationship and bond that we now share, dancing with my father again and again will always put a smile on my face. It’s not perfect, but just having that piece of the puzzle helps make my life complete.