This is the season when much of our time and attention is focused, mostly, upon the hustle and bustle of the holiday and making sure that we make our lists and check them twice. There is so much effort and care that goes into preparing a huge traditional Thanksgiving feast: turkey, ham, dressing, cakes, pies and pudding. Oh, and don’t forget about the football games. Yet, I have to ask the question, how much time and attention is left for the actual family? I know most will say that is what the purpose of the dinner is. However, it has been my experience, both growing up and as an adult, that while there may be a ton of family in one place to partake of a meal, little focus and attention goes into the function and dynamics of the family and the relationships that exist. For us, as men and as parents, I would like to encourage us to focus less on the food and football and to get intimately involved with the family functions. Take time to asked your sons and daughters about their lives, their experiences, their goals, their fears, and most of all how you as the parent can be instrumental in helping to make those goals a reality.
I will be the first to admit that for a number of years taking the time to engage the family was not the first thing on my agenda. My priority was making sure the house was decent and in order for company, the table was set properly, and we had enough ice and drinks to go around; along with chairs for the children’s table. I could not tell you what my kids were thinking, feeling or even if they wanted to be present. We would all eat until we were stuffed and then pass out around the room on couches in a soul-food-induced-coma. Let’s strive to break the chains of normal tradition and lean in to the next generation, support our spouses and honor those that have blazed the path before us. Call it old age or even me getting soft, but as I have gotten older, I realize how much I missed out on during these times. There were so many Thanksgiving dinners where I felt like the kids were even forgotten about because the focus was on the preparation of the food.
Remember the scene from the 1997 Soul Food movie as they prepared for Sunday dinners? Can someone tell me where the kids were? I know it was a movie and I enjoyed it but if you looked closely, you see the truth of the family dynamic missing during such a festive time. I have three children left at home: two high school seniors (God help me) and a 9 year old. Daily, I realize how much I still don’t know about these kids because my focus has not always been on family. I am still learning to make time to ask questions but most of all, being available to be asked questions or just be an interactive part of their lives. Many parents will say that they attend all of their kids’ activities and functions. I believe I fit in this same group and still I don’t really know what makes my kids tick, hurt, or happy. Let’s focus on the pulse and not just the breathing. I have been a father almost 21 years now and am still learning daily that I don’t know what I am doing yet. It is only by God’s grace that we are still alive and together.
On an episode of TV One’s Save My Son, Dr. Steve Perry asked a young man, “If you could say anything to your dad, what would it be?” His answers were one that I have echoed for years in my own head. The young man wanted to ask his father, “Why weren’t you there? Why didn’t you teach me how to be a man?” These questions plague the minds of so many of us today, even for those who have fathers in their home. We are present yet so absent. We provide, protect, and even discipline but what is missing, mostly is the focus on teaching and sharing. This holiday season and even thereafter, I challenge parents to focus on family more and less on the superficial things that will pass on in the next few days. In a quote from the late, great John Wooden, “If we don’t take the time to do it right, when will we ever have the time to do it over?” For many of us, we only get one shot at this. Let’s put our time, energy and effort into what matters. Family is the focus!
By: Antonio Redmond
Family & Cultural Blogger
