ReelUrbanNews.com Op~Ed
Over the course of the last few weeks I have had some of the most authoritatively enlightening experiences I could have imaged at this time in my relatively short life as a published book author. On more than a few occasions, when asked about the motivation of my offering, I have explained to prospective buyers of my book, “Admired Man Why? – The Making of An Admired Man” that it was primarily incited by my phenomenal experience growing up without my father’s existence in my conscious life, and resulting “father hunger.” As discussed in my book, “father hunger” is defined as, “…an affective state experienced when the father is felt to be absent.” In other words, father hunger describes the emotional experience of a father’s absence, rather than his mere non-existence. Father hunger can be experienced by a child, adolescent, or adult, even if the father was never in their life. With respect to my own father hunger and resulting motivation to research and write about the making of an admired man, in my book I shared my emotions upon being at a father/son event at my junior high school, watching my friends interact with their fathers; “…with each step I took the pain grew stronger. I realized that with each passing moment it was closer to the time I would have to be back at school the next day, and the thought of hearing my friends and gym teachers talk about what a fantastic night it was made my heart scream with wretchedness.” Notwithstanding my youthful chagrin, and the research/writing of my book, the last four weeks for me have elevated my understanding of the omnipresent significance of my topic well beyond my own expectations. Even with respect to the convergence of my reflective consciousness and cumulative enlightenment the recent acceleration of my understanding has been profoundly momentous.
To start, in celebration of the 50th Anniversary of the 1965 Watts Riots, I was asked to be interviewed by a writer representing First 5 LA, a state funded organization that provides services and education to families with children between the ages of zero to five years of age. I was ask for this interview on the bases of my consistent volunteerism in Watts, contextual to my experience being a young (fatherless) adolescent residing in Watts at the time of the riot. Clearly, my reflections were fraught with mixed emotions considering 1965 was the same year as my father/son night experience. However, I was beyond honored to be asked; and, the resulting article is nothing short of fabulous. I am very proud of the interview experience and the article. A week after the publication of this interview, I had the honor of presenting my Admired Man Why research findings and critique to a group of 45 social workers in San Francisco. After being interviewed on a radio show the following day after the social worker’s presentation; two days after my presentation, I repeated the presentation to a group of about 30 men, also in San Francisco. Both presentation were very well received.
Adding to this exciting month, the following week I had the privilege of appearing at a book signing in San Diego, where I also attended a number of training workshops around issues of violence, abuse and trauma. Clearly, these issues are often aligned with those related to how fathers relate and interact with member of their family; particularly, when there is a marriage separation or divorce. At this conference I was impressed with workshops that addressed topics such as; “Men in Domestic Violence Group Counseling”; “Sex Offenders, Divorce and Child Custody: The Perfect Victims”; “Prisoner Reentry and Domestic Violence: Working with Men Returning to the Community and the Women They Return To”; “Self-compassion: A Crucial Practice for Healing and Empowerment”; and, “Understanding and Transcending the Role of Self-Blame and Shame for Trauma Survivors.” It was profoundly illuminating how the detailed specifics addressed in these and so many of the other workshops shared at the conference aligned with many of the stories shared in “Admired Man Why? – The Making of An Admired Man.” Armed with the cumulative insights of the month so far, I ended this week doing another Admired Man workshop to an extremely generational diverse group of about 50 men and boys at the 2015 Male Achievement Conference, held in Columbia, South Carolina – another rewarding experience indeed.
Finally, to cap off the four weeks, there was the most surprising experience of all. I had the honor of attending a Focus on Fathers Conference in Wroclaw, Poland. The other contributors to this auspicious event were university scholars from every corner of Eastern Europe, Asia, the Middle East, and Africa.From Lithuania to Nigeria; Ukraine to Turkey; doctoral researchers world-wide gathered to share their research on various topics related to Fathers. While I was, obviously, not surprised that scholars from around the world would find a Focus on Fathers a worthy research endeavor, I have to admit surprise at the nature and content of their studies. I am now aware that I should not have been caught by surprised that many of the very emotional issues that I experienced as a young child growing up without my father is eerily similar to children worldwide who are without an Admired Man in their life. Traditionally, as much as we hear about various political and social conditions and relationships in Europe, Africa and Asia, in America we never hear stories about the various social highs and lows related to the role of fathers (particularly fatherlessness and abuse) in their families and communities. Clearly, it is not hard to imagine that families all over the world would face many of the same types of issues in nature, but I think the thing that surprised me was, first, how little this is shared in the stories we hear in America about families worldwide, and second, how very similar the issues are in other countries; nature and effect. I heard stories about the nature and effect of fatherlessness in places like the Ukraine and Israel that sounded like they were reporting experiences and conditions in Watts or Santa Monica – clear evidence that “Admired Man Why? – The Making of An Admired Man” has worldwide relevance and application.
Briefly, examples of the topics discussed were: “Fatherhood from Fathers’ Own Perspective” where the presenter from Poland discussed how, “Fathers more and more frequently participate in household duties and childcare. On the one hand, it helps women return to work after maternity or parental leave or reconcile work and private life. It also enables men to undertake the role of a father, to realize themselves in this role and to benefit, for example emotionally, from this experience.” I don’t have to convince you that this is prototypical of the type of issues faced in American society from coast-to-coast, but never the type of topics discussed in conversations about folks in Europe. Another very engaging workshop was delivered by a female scholar from Japan titled, “The Lack of Father Role Models in Japanese Lower Middle
Class during the First Half of 20th Century.” While I found the title of this presentation intriguing the content was even more impressive. The presenter described, “…how Japanese lower class masculinity during the first half of the 20th Century is different from the western middle class fatherhood. Japanese lower middle class masculinity is more misogynistic, and familiar with nationalistic sentiment.” I, for one, would not have equated a conversation about Japanese culture with the lacking of a Father Role Model, specific to being “lower middle class.” Clearly naive on my part. Lastly, I was unabashedly intrigued by the topic, “Fatherhood: How Does it Fit with Contemporary Masculinity?” Here the presenter enlightened, “For the last decades, the feminist movement has contested the gender binaries, which resulted in the changing meaning of masculinity. The emerging concept of the new man, metrosexual man was proof of how masculinity has changed over the years. Through, being a man doesn’t necessarily always relate to fatherhood. However, since in the gender binaries masculinity is more related to man characteristics, therefore to some extent when dealing with fatherhood, masculinity should be taken into account.” Profound!!! This presenter was a woman scholar from Indonesia.
I hope it is obvious why I considered my experience at this conference in Poland so rewarding. While my research focuses on shared stories that illuminate the Quality/Behavior/Characteristics (QBCs) of An Admired Man, I learned that the skills and theories that I share in my book are universally relevant and applicable. This notion is supported by the overwhelming appreciation of my presentation to the throng of global scholars. One of them shared with me, “You reminded us that men are people. Your presentation was down to earth and everyone could identify with the stories.” Another scholar shared, “My colleagues and I were talking about your presentation at dinner and could not help but be emotional. I called my husband and asked him to name a man in his life that he admires. He paused and said he had never thought about that. Can I buy one of your books?” Of course I replied. In closing I share, I was able to secure a number of valuable connections and relationship that I intend to cultivate. I have already been offered the possibility to present again later in the year in Germany. We’ll see. The primary point of this article is to share that on issues related to the affect of father involvement, or the absence thereof, is universally shared and profoundly similar. While I make the point in my book about the similarities between age groups, income levels, and ethnicity with respect to their affinity for father engagement, in my research, I have learned that this phenomena is shared globally. Not withstanding the issues I have specifically shared about this conference in this paper, the issues addressed in the previous conferences in the last four weeks, were also address in the global conference. I have learned that “Admired Man Why? – The Making of An Admired Man” will undoubtedly be appreciated by what I will refer to as the common Global Citizen. This was the appeal at the conference. I reminded the scholars that they were also men, women, wives, husbands, fathers, and children; and, the Quality/Behavior/Characteristics they embody Matter to others who are always paying attention. To the readers of this article, both men and women: Pay attention to who is paying attention to you.
Submitted by: Dr. Chris L. Hickey Sr. Telephone contact: (323) 945-9851 Address: 309 E. Hillcrest Blvd. #364. Inglewood, CA. 90301
Dr. Chris L. Hickey, Sr. is the Founder and Executive Director of Each One – Teach One Alliance for Academic Access, Achievement and Success, an organization that focuses on efforts to heighten community awareness of the overwhelming importance of reforming educational practices targeting at-risk youth. He is also the CEO/President of the Admired Man Leadership Institute, where he lectures and facilitates workshops based on his four year national research, and resulting book, “Admired Man Why: The Making of an Admired Man.” His lectures, workshops book represents not only an easy to understand commentary of a number of profoundly provocative findings; in addition, they outline age specific; evidenced based skills and strategies that are aligned with the Quality/Behavior/Characteristics (QBC’s) for the making of An Admired Man.
