Hey Bully….. Knock IT Off!

By: Cynthia Shaffer

Changing Our Narrative

Bullying has always been; it shall always be. The difference is how bullying is addressed by people in authority. It’s always a question of how those in authority choose to handle the situation. Who is worse, the Bully, or the one who has the authority to stop the Bully, but chooses not to do so? Who?

With the new school year starting, the onslaught of anti-bullying campaigns, peace summits, and “Be Kind” slogans will ramp up and become the white noise that masks the sounds of crushed spirits and broken bones perpetuated by that Bully. Everyone knows who THAT person is. The Bully is allowed to continue the bad behavior because those in authority choose not the stop the Bully. 

Somewhere along the line, the burden to *ahem* properly and appropriately deal with the Bully has been transferred to the Bullied. How? For some reason, the Bullied are now expected to “do the right thing.” Why? Why isn’t the Bully held accountable? The Bullied are advised to ignore the Bully. Walk away from the Bully. Tell the teacher about the Bully. Avoidance is the best policy. The Bullied are expected to adjust their schedule to avoid the Bully. When? Always. Where? Everywhere.

In some respects, I think the hardest ask is for the Bullied to understand why the Bully is bullying because supposedly that will help the Bullied empathize with the Bully and perhaps find a way to help the Bully stop bullying. What? From home life to learning disabilities to plain ‘ole self-esteem issues, the psychology of bullying is front and center and the Bully is showered with special consideration and understanding when the Bully acts out and hurts others, while no such consideration is afforded to the Bullied. Accommodation is encouraged. When? Always. Where? Everywhere.

And then there are those who actively help the Bully maintain a reign of intimidation, dread, and misery. You know, those who taunt along with the Bully; lie, cheat, post and comment on behalf of the Bully; and even physically hold the Bullied, so the Bully can beat and batter to one’s insatiable delight. Imagine, a whole organized network that the Bully can beckon. A system. Who has the stomach and resources to take on a system?

Getting down to brass tacks, when the Bully gets physical, the Bullied are instructed to run away, escape, and tell the teacher. Apparently, under no circumstances are the Bullied ever, ever allowed to defend themselves. If there is a fight then both parties are in trouble. Equal punishment for definitely a differing “crime.” What is the Bullied to do? Endure.

One extraordinary phenomenon, rarely addressed, is the responsibility of the adults in authority to protect the Bullied from the Bully. Campaigns and slogans are a feel-good strategy the kids want to believe, but too often times than not, they see a kid follow the bullying protocol only to see the Bully still remain intact in school with no consequences. What do kids learn? Betrayal from the adults who are supposed to protect them. Instead of trusting the authorities who are in a position to stop the bullying to “do the right thing,” there is a pervasive distrust and kids turn inward or to each other to try and combat the ugliness that is tolerated. Why is it tolerated? For a variety of reasons, mainly liability. A school district doesn’t want to upset the apple cart and will do all it can to avoid the parent of a Bully filing suit. Thus, the vicious cycle of avoidance, accommodation, and endurance of the Bully drones onward. It’s not right.

The Bully initiates the bad behavior, but the adults in authority hold the Bullied accountable, not the Bully. Do not confuse authority with ability. Authority means one has the position to enforce laws or policies. Ability means one actually stands up to the Bully by way of some kind of action. Too many adults in authority do not have the ability to do the right thing. From being passive, complacent, to down right scared, they do not honor the responsibility of their position. Conversely, there are many adults who have the ability to do the right thing, but do not have the authority. They will face the Bully, but without the authority the tables are often turned on them for speaking up and challenging the status quo. It is a rare and precious individual who possess both the authority and ability to stop a Bully. 

It happens more often than Society would like to admit, and it’s not just relegated to kids on the playground and teenagers on social media. Adults and families are also suffering from the bad behavior of other adults who are allowed to bask in their hard-earned, well-deserved CBO status…Chief Bullying Officer. Somehow they are able to dictate to those in authority to turn a blind eye to what’s going on and maintain a hostile environment rife with acts of intimidation, threats of retaliation, and reliance on non-enforcement of laws and policies. What is the point of having laws and policies if they aren’t going to be enforced? 

Who is worse? The Bully, the one who has the authority to stop the Bully…or the cast of characters who take a seat & eat popcorn while watching the show? Someone just needs to stand up and say, “Knock it off!”