By: Willis Cooks, MSSA, MNO, LSW
Changing Our Narrative
“I just turned 48 today, and that was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do”. These are the words of a black man during one of my group therapy sessions.
For black men, we are forced to be ‘hard’; Remain tough in a country that has been systematically developed to keep us in a box. We are placed in survival mode then punished for our survival tactics. That punishment may come from internal or external factors. So when it comes time for us to seek help, we brush it off. We say things like, “I got this”, “I’ll be alright”, or “I’m good”.
Why is it difficult for us? Why do we shun those who push for us to gain help? The reason is layered. It could stem from our history of trauma, generationally passed down from slavery. It could stem from our upbringing and how we developed a level of cold-heartedness due to the communities that we must survive in. It could stem from watching our single mother work hard every day, so we devote everything to taking some weight off of her shoulders. It could be several things but figuring that out may be less important than actually doing the work to get through it.
There are many ways to start the process of healing as black men, but there are two things that must be considered: taking your time and choosing therapeutic actions over therapy
Taking Your Time
Many of us are looking for a quick fix. A simple and easy solution to our challenges. This can explain why many of us use drugs as a means to cope with the challenges we face. It provides the numbness we seek. Volatile behavior becomes a remedy for disagreements. We look for an escape in any type of way possible. Granted, we all need an escape from the hurdles of life at some point.
However, just as long as it may take for that problem to develop, it may take twice the time and effort to resolve it. Due to this, we quit. We are not willing to provide the time, patience, and effort it takes to overcome that hurdle. Is that any fault of our own, not entirely. Our method of suppressing our feelings have always ‘saved’ us. What is the point of trying something new when suppressing has always worked?
Choosing Therapeutic Actions over Therapy
As a therapist, the one undeniable thing is that therapy is hard. For therapy to be successful, one must have their wounds opened, become vulnerable, and be consistent. For a wound to properly heal, we have to take the band-aid off and let it breathe. That is the same for the personal wounds we carry. We place a band-aid over them and forget about it. Hoping that it will get better because “time heals all wounds”. However, these wounds need a little bit more than time.
Along with the opening of our wounds, vulnerability is vital. This is very important because no progress can be made when there is a wall between you and the therapist. Now, vulnerability is hard. So hard that we have created a false perception that only weak people are vulnerable. Men must remain hard and tough. We must not allow our feelings to get in the way of anything.
When we are not vulnerable, we suppress emotions. When we suppress emotions, they come out in dangerous ways, either on other people or ourselves. Although crying can be very powerful, being vulnerable doesn’t mean that we have to walk around doing that. It means that we have to be okay with not being okay.
Lastly, just like anything else that we want to improve, we must be consistent in our efforts to improve. Due to the difficulty of the above, consistency is rarely accomplished. Which means that some of us may not be ready for therapy. That is okay as long as you are doing something therapeutic. If you aren’t ready, taking daily therapeutic actions will become more effective than therapy. Whether it be working out, participating in yoga, taking weekly hikes, journaling and practicing being present. Doing something therapeutic will allow you to get ready for therapy while also assisting you with developing positive outlets for tough days.
Moving Foward
Just like a car, one day you hear a small noise, you ignore it. A few days later that noise comes back louder. You ignore it. A few weeks later that noise causes your engine to blow. Now you’re without a car.
That same is true for us as well. We ignore one problem because it doesn’t seem major. Then minor problems begins to grow until we can no longer ignore them. Now we have a mountain of problems to tackle. Looking up at the mountain of problems can make you feel defeated. When it gets to that point, we can only face them one at a time. Build up the momentum for the problem you’ve been avoiding for years. It will benefit you to start with the problem that is the least challenging. The least challenging may be as simple as you get out of your own way. Black man, start there.
