Infidelity is a reality in the military and the general consensus is marriage is tough in the military, but couples can prevail, and do. My own parents have been married 42 years.
One retired Air Force gentleman is proud to say he and his wife have now been married 48 years, but he also says about today’s young military families, “They risk multiple tours of a spouse in a combat zone, while the other spouse is left with raising the children, largely on their own.”
It’s almost as if this gentleman were in on the email conversation I was having with Rick Johnson, former Navy, and author/speaker on marriage and family relationships. His latest book is, “The Marriage of Your Dreams: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Her Man”. He writes the military families he works with have some very unique problems even beyond infidelity. “Fathers are gone for extended periods of time so women feel like single mothers. It makes teamwork for parenting and a marriage relationship difficult. Finances are always an issue. Also many men suffer from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). They are in battle one minute and 10 hours later they are sitting down to dinner with their family- a tough transition. The constant worry about losing a husband to death is tough.”
Just as couples prevail, couples also fail.
I was most moved by the individuals who shared their personal experience with infidelity. One female, former Marine, who left the service when she had her son, shared her story. “He [her husband] got orders for a six month float assignment. It was easy to justify my infidelity, he was accusing me during the daily phone calls any way, his ‘friends’ took advantage of my vulnerabilities, my low self-esteem, home alone with a three year old, no family nearby and financial hardship had me aching for any kind of positive attention…General Petraeus is a man, away from home but he is educated, intelligent, mature man, 37 years of marriage.”
A former Army spouse shared how her then husband, “was unfaithful many times.” She further explained what made it especially difficult. “I didn’t feel like I had recourse. I quickly learned that while some were disgusted with him, there were twice as many that would protect him. Many times it was because they were cheating too, or they felt like they needed to trust him on the field. They were a brotherhood, and you don’t rat on your brother.
Two retired Air Force gentlemen specifically stated their personal opinion was the affair was a private matter, but both of them emphatically agreed infidelity causes problems. One wrote without reservation, “This has been a problem and a growing one within the military with the growth of women in the military and massive deployments!”The other wrote, “Integrity is necessary in the military, just like it is necessary in civilian ethics. If you are sleeping with a subordinate, it puts your authority in SERIOUS jeopardy, as well as fostering perceptions of favoritism among your subordinates, no matter how hard you work to avoid it. It’s just bad business to bed your secretary.
Another consensus is adultery is a crime according Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) and warrants punishment. Yes, adultery is a crime. A completely different perspective than what is reported in the news. Oh, what’s that you say, Mr. Petraeus is not in the military? What about Army lieutenant colonel Paula Broadwell? It takes two to tango, but she has yet to resign and in the meantime, her new rank is “mistress”.
Even a single DUI (Driving under the influence) can end a military career. Suffice it to say, the conduct standard in the military is high, and not for the faint of character. The matter-of-a-fact retiree ties it up in a bow, “You may one day have to order one of them [a subordinate] to do something that may cost his life. If they don’t respect, and trust you, that will never work.”Another thought, from a female, former Navy, lest you think adultery is a crime because the military expects moral conduct. It’s less about that and more about, “ensuring unit cohesion. If someone is sleeping with someone else’s wife, it can disrupt unit cohesion. Because most military personnel live on bases or ships, or other closer quarters, having this trust and camaraderie is essential.”
The final consensus is “it” happens. Even grown men were saddened to hear the news about Director Patraeus’ resignation, but no one was surprised. It is a paradox within the military community. No one is in denial it happens, but everyone recognizes the need to set a standard regarding social conduct for the sake of the mission. Bad behavior befalls us everywhere. It’s especially complicated when it happens to the most admired of men within such a structured environment. A Coast Guard member reflects, “His actions leading up to his resignation will forever overshadow his stellar performance as one of the best Generals this country has ever seen.”
A final note regarding the input I received. There was a steady occurrence of such concepts as sin, temptation, and redemption. Very unpopular and uncomfortable concepts. Regarding temptation. It was in the vein of avoiding compromising situations. When I asked the question, “Do you think taking precautions helps to stave off infidelity? Even the matter-of-a-fact retiree said, “Well, I think that’s simply self preservation, don’t you? I always tried to make sure I was never alone with a female subordinate, since I had seen several accusation of sexual harassment against guys that I was 100% positive would NEVER do that. Political correctness has given a powerful tool to those who would use it to advance themselves without putting in the work they should to get there.”
And how about this from a Navy spouse, “I do think there are things military and all couples can do to safeguard against infidelity, and I think one of the top things is to spend time with each other and not let things outside of the home pull you apart. You have to be intentional, even if it’s skyping or sending care packages, praying daily for spouse, being affectionate even over great distances, etc. And it helps to keep up their physical appearance so you’re still attracted to each other. Just sayin’.”
A belief in God or Jesus Christ was prevalent, but respondents were careful to annotate belief was not a ‘cure all’; rather, it was an expression of the awareness of human nature and how faith can reconcile human weaknesses and failures. The most steadfast reply was thus, “…for myself, infidelity simply is not an option. My first commitment to my God forbids it, for starters. Next is my commitment to my wife and son, and the respect I wish to maintain from both. Then there is my patriotic and military commitment, by which I spoke an oath of loyalty to certain core values: Integrity First, Service Before Self, and Excellence In All I Do (United States Air Force).” In a time where political correctness rules the day and at times, causes great detriment, it seems fitting such a pledge would come from among the ones most dedicated to this country. Let’s talk a little about that oath.
By Cynthia Shaffer
Cultural and Political Blogger
ReelUrbanNews.com
