Something For Sunday
By: Dave Devereaux
Well, here we are, finally in 2021 and I am so sure that very few people are lamenting the end of 2020’s visit. Twelve months that will be remembered like the first time you tasted lemon, just sour and tart and regretful. From March 2020 to December 2020 has been the most trying time for this generation. The Spanish Flu pandemic lasted from February 1918 to April 1920 infecting 500 million people, which was about a third of the world’s population. It is estimated that 17 to 100 million people died at that time. The numbers are still coming in to determine the total effect Covid-19 will have on the world’s population today. But from what we see daily, it will be as deadly if not worse than than the Spanish Flu pandemic. A catastrophic loss of human life. This pandemic has made men become suspicious of each other over something as simple as wearing a mask or observing social distancing. Along with fighting a virus that is deadly, we have become indifferent to each other and unwilling to express empathy. It appears that compounded events have made us worse rather than closer and more tolerant.
America has experienced four years of tumultuous political turmoil as well. We have had a President that only thinks of himself and not the country that he was elected to represent. He has put his personal agenda before all else. He has allowed his staff, cronies and family to obliterate the rules that we have lived by for centuries and yet, created new rules to suit their nefarious and greedy deeds. It is a display of poor behavior that we had not seen before, and those who follow his behavior have too been revealed. The facts are, prejudice has been celebrated in the backrooms of quiet places where blacks and other minorities have not been invited; poor behavior has been rewarded with get out of jail cards; and disrespect has become the name of the game if one does not agree with what this president says.
But, to reconcile who we are and what mankind should be, let’s look at ourselves in the aftermath and see where we can inventory positivity in order to move forward and create a better world than we started this year with. My uncle and professional mentor, Waylon Wallace, a retired school Principal in Dallas, Texas shared a document entitled, The Ten Commandments for Understanding Others with me a while back and I vowed to find a way to use it. I can’t think of a better time than to open 2021 with it’s recommendations. A template to start fresh in our own backyards. These commandments are not resolutions, but if you personally want to use them as your mantra, by all means, feel free.
The Ten Commandments for Understanding Others lists simple suggestions that will support positive interactions with others and celebrates how we can learn to minimize those things that annoy us, and yet build relationships that benefit us and make our communities and the world a better place.
The first of these is to begin being tolerant of others. We have to learn patience and tolerance of other’s weaknesses, actions and differences. It is not our responsibility to point those things out, but a powerful tool used to recognize they are who they are and respect that alone. They are not going to be exactly like you want them to be or think they should be. You can learn to tolerate others’ differences and will find this to be the beginning of all understanding. This can apply to family, friends, or co-workers. The result will be a more accepting you.
Next, we must avoid expecting people to be perfect. Remember, you are not perfect, the expectation that someone else is, is unrealistic. It’s alright to believe in others, love them, like them and enjoy them just the way they are. Most people come with a lot of good, some bad and a little indifference. The negative characteristics are the ones that you will be challenged with understanding and have to learn to accept.
Be certain that you want to understand people. At times we find ourselves criticizing other people because we don’t understand why he or she acts the way they do. Perhaps this is a time that you find it easier not to understand that person. Your own negative attitude might be showing for reasons that you are envious, suspicious or just find it easier not to like a person. And that’s alright. If we always try to dominate with our own personalities we will never learn to understand others.
Always look for the good in others. I am amazed at how deliberately some people always look for the negative characteristics in others rather than the possibility that there may be good. Society seems to delight in finding fault in others. Gossip and headlines foster the negativity that is attached to imperfection. Let’s face it, the best selling newspapers today are not the Los Angeles Times or the New York Times, they are the rags by the checkout stand in the grocery store that report on the faults and downfalls of people. This is an example of the greater population’s behavior toward their neighbors and even friends.
Learn to love the “unlovable.” That personable, popular individual with few irritating qualities presents no challenges to understanding. The challenge is to love those people who are rude, sarcastic, pessimistic, arrogant and confrontational. And granted, sometimes it’s easier not to understand these kinds of people. It requires reflective determination to understand that someone has hurt them in their past and aided in creating this personality. Someone hurt them so bad that they feel unimportant and unwanted. Their behavior is many times reactionary. Your understanding will grow your spirit for recognizing people in need of being seen and heard.
Hate the thing – not the person. Learning to understand people does not mean that you condone their undesirable characteristics or wrongful acts. However, it is much easier to create an attitude of understanding if you restrict your dislikes to the “thing” rather than the person. Conceit, greed, hate and jealousy, to name a few, are parasites that affix themselves to individuals and cause illness, misery and depression. These you can hate, but have compassion for their victims.
Learn to get all the facts. If you know all the facts you are better equipped to make informed decisions. Listen, learn, then act or make suggestions if asked to do so. All the facts include an insight into inner compulsions, needs, experiences and the problems of others. It is best demonstrated in the idea that if you are not walking in one’s shoes, you have no real idea of how that feels. As African Americans, we should be better in this respect noting our past history and experiences. We know how that feels. We know how we have been and continue to be treated.
Have empathy. While you can never perfectly understand all people, you can imagine their feelings. Empathy drives kindness and understanding. One of the characteristics of imagination is the ability to place yourself in the other person’s situation. You can imagine how another person feels. This imagination serves the same purpose as understanding. We have seen so many in public view demonstrate less than empathetic behavior in addressing racism, sexism, and xenophobia. This behavior has led many globally to view America very differently now. The time to change that is now, and empathy is a powerful tool to practice exercising.
Control your attitude. Remembering that there is usually nothing in the other person’s action that irritates you. It is your reaction that causes the negative feelings – the misunderstandings. When you learn to control your reactions, which can be observed by others quite visibly, and your attitudes, you will automatically control your feelings. How we react is oftentimes the key to a more peaceful disagreement. After all, is it the end of the world if two people don’t see things the same way?
Develop a mental image of understanding. Use positive affirmations of yourself as an understanding person. Picture yourself as an understanding, patient, kindly individual. Model your picture after an actual person that you consider to have good characteristics. Hold that picture in your mind and start acting out that image. Soon you too will become the person you envision.
In no way am I attempting to be a therapist with this article. My premise is that we have experienced four years of bad behavior from an administration that does not want to practice empathy, because they appear to not know how. As a result, America has now emulated those behaviors as norms that are acceptable. We no longer listen to our neighbors, instead we fight. We no longer agree to disagree, we take it to dangerous levels to make sure that the only opinion we acknowledge is our own. This is no way to co-exist within a society that was meant to be a collaborative tool that recognizes differences and celebrates the vastness of opinion.
We have experienced a pandemic that has made people behave in a manner that is less flattering at times and sometimes downright embarrassing. We have struggled with expressing human decency and respect toward others far too many times based on our own personal beliefs. We are guilty of being unwilling to bend to compromise while looking out for the greater good.
Our goal should be all the opposites of these. We, as a people, must do better. Let’s start with ourselves. Happy New Year! Welcome 2021 with a different attitude.
