Mother’s Day 2023
By MeShonya Wren-Coleman, Ph.D.
Often, I think about and ask myself, how do my daughters see me? Do I really live up to their expectations as their mother or do they wish someone else was their mom? It’s not that I don’t believe my daughters love me or enjoy me being a part of their lives, but that little nagging question never fails to cripple my thoughts now and then.
Those crippling thoughts come especially during those times when there seems to be a lack of communication and distance drawn between us because of disagreements. Being the mother of an adult and a pre-teen has challenged me in areas that only God could give me the strength to bear.
With Mother’s Day approaching, I couldn’t help but pose this question to other moms, “What kind of mother do you think you are?” As challenging as it may seem, it is pretty clear that there are so many moms trying to identify the kind of mom they are portraying with their children.
Let me help you take a look in the mirror as I present to you some television moms, who may reflect how you see yourself as a mom. Unlike some other moms, I can always find some truth in those things that are supposed to be simply make-believe.
We will start with the character of Monet Tejada, the role played by Mary J. Blige on the television series Power: Book II. Monet is the mother of three and runs the family’s drug operation. When you view her motherly profile, you discover that she’s manipulative and uses her children to protect what she wishes to control. Her conversations with them always seem to stem around family, but my question to Monet is, is it really about family, or is it just about self?
She demeans her children every chance she gets and loves the word, “stupid”. Being a child of Monet’s, I could see myself dealing with some trust issues, depression, and very low self-esteem. I’ve never seen Monet encourage her three children to be great outside of the life of drugs. What child comes into the world saying, “I want to be a drug dealer and make my mom proud?”
This is a learned and taught behavior. As a mother who manipulates to achieve and conquer, how can that be okay? It can’t! Mothers, our job should be to uplift, protect, and provide for our children. Mothers should not use their children for their own fortune and fame.
Let’s look at another television series. Yes, I am a binge-watcher whenever I have downtime, which is not too often, but when I do have downtime, I can watch shows for hours.
One of my nightly shows that rocks me to sleep is Everybody Loves Raymond. This comedy just keeps me trying to figure out how Marie Barone, played by the late Doris Roberts, is okay with being the helicopter mom who has meddled in all of her sons’ affairs.
She has two sons, Raymond and Robert, who have never moved farther than arm’s length from her. This mom has no boundaries and still calls her grown sons, “her boys”. She wants to be the one to prepare their meals, wash their clothes, and never allow them to just be men.
This comedy just keeps me trying to figure out how Marie Barone, played by the late Doris Roberts, is okay with being the helicopter mom who has meddled in all of her sons’ affairs.
Since she seems to have this power over them, the sons avoid making her mad and try to accommodate her whenever they can. But how many moms do we have out there who will not push their birds out of the nest so that they can learn to fly on their own, make their own mistakes, and for lack of a better term, JUST GROW UP!!!
We as moms need to know when it’s time to let go. Our children must learn how to be independent and not expect to always be able to walk across the street to a hot meal. Having a visit from our children should be rewarding and seeing them soar shows that we as moms have done well.
Nope, I am not done yet. I still have a few more moms to compare our lives to. Netflix has a show called Firefly Lane that depicts the friendship of two girls that extends from childhood through adulthood.
Well, the character named Tully has a mother whose name is Cloud, played by Beau Garrett, who happens to escape from life by smoking weed often and entertaining various men. Cloud is a single mom who just has no interest in being a mom.
In this make-believe story, Tully has to fend for herself and take care of her mom. This means that this kid never understood the phases of childhood because she had to become an adult at a very young age. Cloud didn’t understand stability and what it meant to provide it for her daughter.
The program never went into detail about Cloud’s past, but because of her pains, she couldn’t resist the temptation to be a mom to Tully. It wasn’t until Cloud finally hit rock bottom, and Tully had become famous, that she decided to get rehabilitated and be a part of her daughter’s life. She didn’t want anything from Tully, but to be accepted into her life at this time so she could make up for some of the time lost not being the perfect mom.
Let’s face it, we are not PERFECT! So many of us have fallen and had to get back up again and again. The reality of it all is having the boldness to admit our mistakes, learn from them, and pick up all those broken pieces to put them back together again and become whole.
This may be you. Just know it’s not too late to make it right with your son or daughter. Authenticity and transparency are what I have learned work best with my girls.
In my personal opinion, I saved the best for last. I admired this last television mom and just wished for once I could be half the mom she was. Again, this is all make-believe. Clair Huxtable played by Phylicia Rashad on the Cosby Show was my 360-mom. She had the career, she had the beauty, she had the charisma, and she was graceful, assertive, dignified, and devoted. SHE WAS THE MOM!!!
Mrs. Claire Huxtable was respected by her children and her husband. Claire managed to navigate her career while being the mother of five children and a wife. She made time for them all. The discipline was there and her kids knew not to cross her. But above all, she brought love to the table. Episode after episode, Claire’s love always shined with the many celebrated moments and disappointing ones too.
So yes, I imagined myself being this make-believe mom. Do my girls see me as a Clair Huxtable? I seriously doubt it. But I am their Dr. Mom, who pours out her all in being the best mom possible to them in my non-narrated role.
My girls help make my world go around and nothing about this motherhood is make-believe. Sharing with them my strengths and allowing them to see my weaknesses lets them know that I am human, I am not perfect, but I got this.
