When Traditions Require a New Look 

Changing Our Narrative

By Dave Devereaux

The Christmas of 2022 proved to be an epiphany holiday for me. While I love my family and most certainly love being in their company, I realized that it may be time for me to create some new holiday traditions for myself. 

Except for two or three Christmases, I have been in Texas for each one of them. Let me make it clear that it’s NOT about NOT being with them, so much as me being with myself to not have to experience the loss over and over during that time of year. 

The first shift came in 2002 when my mother passed and we had to learn how Christmas was to look in her absence. She loved the holidays and was a big part of decorating, cooking and celebrating as a family. 

We tried to carry that on, but when the lead is missing, it’s difficult to navigate your way through a situation like that and execute it as it once was. My father was grateful that we were there and we wanted him to be as comfortable as possible. 

I felt her absence intensely and was sometimes consumed by grief at the tasks lying ahead to create another holiday. Yet, as the oldest son, I wanted to make it as normal as possible for my brothers. We still met at the house, put up a tree, fired up the fireplace and cooked the meals that she would have, but somehow it just seemed different. We continue to duplicate holidays and gatherings as we should with the help of my siblings and I know it’s hard for them too. 

The next shift was 16 years and 16 days later when my father passed. Both passed in May. So, of course, that month makes me very anxious. Again we had seven months to figure out how the next Christmas was going to look. 

We still met at my parents’ home and performed the duties of past years by putting up a tree, firing up the fireplace, and cooking the meals that they both loved. Forging ahead for the kids in the family and still wanting them to know the holidays as we have. Yet, again it was all so uncomfortable and sad at the same time. 

My brothers and I have discussed making holiday tradition changes, but we fall back into the same expectations of years past. It was not until this year that I was driving down the street here in Dallas and realized that we have not been able to make those changes and were in a cycle of repetition. I chuckled when I thought that we were in a loop like in the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. Though not intentional, we keep preparing and planning for the same holiday year after year. 

I discussed this with a friend who is experiencing the same feelings and we talked about what that change would look like. Since I have never spent a Christmas in a foreign country, I shared that this may be the change needed for me. 

I’ve been in England for New Year and it was fun and different, but New Year is not Christmas. I envision my first untraditional Christmas to be uncomfortable at first, but change is always awkward. These feelings surfaced and I was unable to shake them. 

A lot has transpired this year and family dynamics are different for me. I enjoy being with my brothers and family but this sense that change must take place for me was overwhelming. It left me anxiety-ridden and seeking answers as to why I feel this way now. 

The only explanation that I can conclude is that time has shown me that nothing stays the same and that change is inevitable in all things. Nothing looks or feels the way it did before, nor should it. I have to stop expecting that. 

I have been guilty of what most would have characterized as “insanity” by repeating the same behaviors each year yet expecting a different and more fulfilling outcome during the holidays. Trying to recreate old feelings, but failing to recognize those feelings cannot be duplicated because many of those responsible are no longer here for that to take place. 

I accept that change is inevitable. I look forward to creating new memories and setting my own traditions. I acknowledge that this is the time for me to set my own boundaries without bringing my complete past with me. I’m here for it.